My Weekly Torture Ritual

You know, humans really do the weirdest things sometimes. Sometimes I really have no idea what's going on inside their heads. Take my parents for example... they've got this weekly ritual that really bugs me. No, not those late night tussle sessions in their bed when they think I'm asleep... there's another one that's even more annoying!

Every time I see this bottle,
it's my cue to run and hide in my crate.

You see, once every week or so, my momma will drag me into this strange little torture chamber and then leash me into a handle. When I'm completely helpless, she'll start to spray me down with water and then rub some strange sticky substance into my fur. I don't know what that stuff is, but it makes my fur go all weird. And then she really works it into me, and turns me into a weird looking pig-monster thing.

I mean seriously... this is humiliating!

After messing up my fur and making me feel awkward for a while, she'll then hose me off again. Actually, that part I kind of enjoy, although it really doesn't make the whole ordeal worth it at all. When I'm completely soaked, I sometimes like to shake my fur and try to give momma a taste of her own medicine! But that doesn't usually stop her from soaking me even more, because humans are stupid and slow-learning like that.

That'll teach momma to torture me!

When she's down soaking me to the bone, she starts brushing me down and sticking this in my face that blows hot air into me. It's almost like sticking your head out the car window, except the air is hot and uncomfortable. And it usually makes me look even weirder and unattractive.

I look more like a freakin' giant rat than a dog.

Well, when it's all done, I usually feel pretty good because my fur will be nice, dry, and soft. Still, I don't really understand why they do it to me. Why wet me and then dry me? If they wanted me dry then just leave me alone, right?

My fur is so soft and clean,
the camera's auto-focus can't get a lock.

I've seen them do that wetting thing to themselves before, but don't these humans understand that it's okay for them because they don't have fur? The water slides right off them, so of course they might like the feeling. But I'm a dog! Are they so dumb that they can't tell the difference between humans and dogs?